Today I received calls from three old friends. One of them lives here in Knoxville, and I have not had a chance to call him back yet. One lives in Atlanta. We spoke for over an hour, as we usually do. We have happily have spent whole weekends together talking, walking, eating and sharing the many items that tie us together. And one lives in New York. And that is who I want to talk about today.
We have known each other since I was in third grade. That's 47 years. We have known each other longer than I have known any person outside my genetic family. During that time we have shared many, many things. I think we know as much about each other as two people can know who are not sexual intimates. We went to the same private schools, both went to Ivy League universities. We are both musicians, although he is far more accomplished than I. We both enjoy The Lord of the Rings, can speak intelligently about and even in Latin, have read the Iliad, the Odyssey and sundry other books in common.
Over the years he has remained in the northeast and I have become a happily southernized man. We have come to be at different ends of the socio-political and sexual spectrum. This has led to some intense arguments, as I think only men well accustomed to each other can argue. I am quite sure that both of us have tried to let the fire of those arguments die down, and that has meant some extra space between calls. But today he called, I suspect motivated in part by my recent medical encounters, and I was touched and delighted to get the call.
He does not know this, but he was instrumental in my getting a transplant. I spoke with him about this in 2008. I was not at all convinced that I should have a transplant, feeling I had perhaps lived as long as I was to live. In talking with him about this he asked my options, and I told him they were dialysis, transplant or death. There was a pause, and he simply said, in a voice packed with emotion, 'don't die'. I have never forgotten that small phrase, or the feeling with which it was delivered. It was a major part of my deciding to get a transplant, a major part of my being convinced that someone on this planet cared that I lived.
We have argued strenuously, and ultimately pointlessly, about our sociopolitical views. I am not going to alter his, and he will not alter mine. And yet in personal values we are far closer than we are apart. We share many, many values, even when we express them differently. There are few men with whom either of us can converse seriously about the emotional impact of music, or its technical performance. We can equally well talk about the history of Middle Earth as if it were real, and that is also rare. Spirituality is important to both of us, and neither of us is comfortable with the values of organized Christianity.
From time to time I have thought about Jefferson and Adams. Jefferson was a Democrat-Republican, while Adams was a Federalist. They argued strenuously about governmental conception and policy, on more than one occasion to the point of straining their relationship. And yet they maintained a lifelong correspondence. And they died on the same day, July 4, 1826. And as he lay dying Adams said 'Jefferson still lives', not knowing his friend had died about 6 hours prior. Despite their differences, Adams understood that his friend held the same values, had the same background, had had similar experiences, to him.
And so it is with my friend. We share so many experiences and values. And in considering the range of people I know and those I do not, he is one of the very most important people in my life.
Of all the Christmas presents I received this year, his phone call was one of the best. It was worth rotting in a hospital bed in a-fib for the chance to talk with him again. And it seems so stupid to have let social or political differences come between us. For my part in that I am very sorry. And I will never let it happen again. Because knowing people as I know him is so rare, and transcends all political and social issues.
And that is the gift of the spirit that is the true nature of Christmas, not a religious service, a greeting or a season.
Ted
We have known each other since I was in third grade. That's 47 years. We have known each other longer than I have known any person outside my genetic family. During that time we have shared many, many things. I think we know as much about each other as two people can know who are not sexual intimates. We went to the same private schools, both went to Ivy League universities. We are both musicians, although he is far more accomplished than I. We both enjoy The Lord of the Rings, can speak intelligently about and even in Latin, have read the Iliad, the Odyssey and sundry other books in common.
Over the years he has remained in the northeast and I have become a happily southernized man. We have come to be at different ends of the socio-political and sexual spectrum. This has led to some intense arguments, as I think only men well accustomed to each other can argue. I am quite sure that both of us have tried to let the fire of those arguments die down, and that has meant some extra space between calls. But today he called, I suspect motivated in part by my recent medical encounters, and I was touched and delighted to get the call.
He does not know this, but he was instrumental in my getting a transplant. I spoke with him about this in 2008. I was not at all convinced that I should have a transplant, feeling I had perhaps lived as long as I was to live. In talking with him about this he asked my options, and I told him they were dialysis, transplant or death. There was a pause, and he simply said, in a voice packed with emotion, 'don't die'. I have never forgotten that small phrase, or the feeling with which it was delivered. It was a major part of my deciding to get a transplant, a major part of my being convinced that someone on this planet cared that I lived.
We have argued strenuously, and ultimately pointlessly, about our sociopolitical views. I am not going to alter his, and he will not alter mine. And yet in personal values we are far closer than we are apart. We share many, many values, even when we express them differently. There are few men with whom either of us can converse seriously about the emotional impact of music, or its technical performance. We can equally well talk about the history of Middle Earth as if it were real, and that is also rare. Spirituality is important to both of us, and neither of us is comfortable with the values of organized Christianity.
From time to time I have thought about Jefferson and Adams. Jefferson was a Democrat-Republican, while Adams was a Federalist. They argued strenuously about governmental conception and policy, on more than one occasion to the point of straining their relationship. And yet they maintained a lifelong correspondence. And they died on the same day, July 4, 1826. And as he lay dying Adams said 'Jefferson still lives', not knowing his friend had died about 6 hours prior. Despite their differences, Adams understood that his friend held the same values, had the same background, had had similar experiences, to him.
And so it is with my friend. We share so many experiences and values. And in considering the range of people I know and those I do not, he is one of the very most important people in my life.
Of all the Christmas presents I received this year, his phone call was one of the best. It was worth rotting in a hospital bed in a-fib for the chance to talk with him again. And it seems so stupid to have let social or political differences come between us. For my part in that I am very sorry. And I will never let it happen again. Because knowing people as I know him is so rare, and transcends all political and social issues.
And that is the gift of the spirit that is the true nature of Christmas, not a religious service, a greeting or a season.
Ted
A great post. In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote, "To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue." There are very few people who come into our life with whom we can share the kind of life-long, intense friendship that you two have had. (As Samuel Johnson once wisely noted, "He promises himself too much who enters life with the expectation of finding many friends.") There are disagreements, sometimes vehement ones (Jefferson and Adams, for example, were estranged for about a decade...before renewing a warm correspondence in 1811 that lasted 15 more years until the end of their lives). Yet the areas of shared interest, shared passions, and the genuine affection that grows between those who share them, make us understand what those Ancients saw in friendship...
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