We are remodeling our kitchen and powder room. And painting the whole house. And selling our house in Knoxville. Today we looked at powder room and kitchen faucets and sinks.
We want to have a top mounted sink on a cabinet base in the powder room. The one we like costs 1000.00. I was so joyful looking at all these items. They are beautiful, and I want Kim to have a beautiful home, all the more so because the only reason we are leaving a home we love is because I chose to go to Chattanooga to teach. But 1000.00 for a sink is a lot of money.
Intellectually I tell myself that all the powder room sinks we have looked at on line and in showrooms are 500.00 or more. The differential cost, granted the remodeling of a powder room, is not outrageous. I tell myself that I own my home in Knoxville outright, and that when it is sold there will be ample funds for remodeling, and that getting a sink I like is OK. I tell myself I have provided for my children's education (well, my mother also provided for that, for which I am grateful), that I have funded my retirement, and that it is OK for me to get a sink I like. But 'sink' is a funny word, and my emotional associations have nothing to do with my intellectual ones.
We talk about heat sinks, things that absorb the heat given off by an object, most commonly power transformers. Sinks in general hold things- water, heat, etc. A ship also sinks. All these meaning resonate for me, because inside me there is a persistent voice that whispers to me. And it does not approve of a 1000.00 sink.
The voice whispers constantly to me, every day, that I am bad. That my emotions are too strong. That I am too greedy, too lazy, too angry, too libidinous, perverted, violent. And especially that I am a spendthrift, that I like beautiful cars, and clothes, and homes. That I want what I do not deserve. that I am too horrible a man to merit having nice things. Horrible. All day. Every day. Every day is another chance to silence that voice for a little while. And almost every day I fail.
All my life I have spoken back to that voice in terms of achievement. But look, I say, I was a top Civil Engineering student, a top vocalist too. 95th to 99th percentile MCATs. And NBMEs. And CREOGs. And boards. And grades. A top medical school. A fellowship only 54 people can get every year. I have useful, productive hobbies, I say. I build ships. I build furniture. I make things.
And the voice sneers and tells me that none of those things matter. It speaks to me not of achievement but character. It whispers to me that I am a bad father, a bad husband, a bad partner, a bad friend. Self-centered. Needy. Cruel, foul-mouthed, emotionally violent. But I feel as I feel, I say. No, it replies, you are an emotional monster. Oh, you may be a performing monkey when it comes to intellectual achievements but when it comes to human relationships you are worse than worthless. You are bad. Toxic.
And it is me. It is the translation in Daniel- Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin- you have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Not guilty of any particular sin, no special peccadillo or weakness. No. You, you personally, are bad. And I have feared, all my life, some terrible retribution. For my self-indulgence. For my weakness. For my badness. As in Isaiah- thy sons, that thou shalt beget, they shall be taken away and be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon. Howl ye, howl ye therefore, for the day of the Lord is at hand. I fear that, as a result of my horrible, public self-indulgence in shopping for 1000.00 sinks that my life, my family, my work, will be destroyed.
And so I too sink. In despair. In self-loathing. In shame, all of which no one can see. Like a ship, I am sinking into waters of shame that drown my joy. Like a heat sink that can not absorb the endless waves of shame and failure. Like the Pet Shop Boys- everything I've ever done, everything I'll ever do, everywhere I've ever went, everywhere I'm going to, it's a sin.
My favorite aspect of the gospels is that Jesus forgives ordinary, flawed people. Not righteous people. Failures like me. And in that I have always held some hope that I might be forgiven and accepted. I have always understood the formulation of the Episcopal communion (prior to 1984)- confession, humble access, and miraculous acceptance. Like Lowry- for Jesus Christ's sake Yvonne, come back to me, if only for one day. For a moment, for a day, I am forgiven. And accepted.
I do earnestly pray that I may be forgiven my vanity, my greed and my pride in buying a 1000.00 sink.
Ted
We want to have a top mounted sink on a cabinet base in the powder room. The one we like costs 1000.00. I was so joyful looking at all these items. They are beautiful, and I want Kim to have a beautiful home, all the more so because the only reason we are leaving a home we love is because I chose to go to Chattanooga to teach. But 1000.00 for a sink is a lot of money.
Intellectually I tell myself that all the powder room sinks we have looked at on line and in showrooms are 500.00 or more. The differential cost, granted the remodeling of a powder room, is not outrageous. I tell myself that I own my home in Knoxville outright, and that when it is sold there will be ample funds for remodeling, and that getting a sink I like is OK. I tell myself I have provided for my children's education (well, my mother also provided for that, for which I am grateful), that I have funded my retirement, and that it is OK for me to get a sink I like. But 'sink' is a funny word, and my emotional associations have nothing to do with my intellectual ones.
We talk about heat sinks, things that absorb the heat given off by an object, most commonly power transformers. Sinks in general hold things- water, heat, etc. A ship also sinks. All these meaning resonate for me, because inside me there is a persistent voice that whispers to me. And it does not approve of a 1000.00 sink.
The voice whispers constantly to me, every day, that I am bad. That my emotions are too strong. That I am too greedy, too lazy, too angry, too libidinous, perverted, violent. And especially that I am a spendthrift, that I like beautiful cars, and clothes, and homes. That I want what I do not deserve. that I am too horrible a man to merit having nice things. Horrible. All day. Every day. Every day is another chance to silence that voice for a little while. And almost every day I fail.
All my life I have spoken back to that voice in terms of achievement. But look, I say, I was a top Civil Engineering student, a top vocalist too. 95th to 99th percentile MCATs. And NBMEs. And CREOGs. And boards. And grades. A top medical school. A fellowship only 54 people can get every year. I have useful, productive hobbies, I say. I build ships. I build furniture. I make things.
And the voice sneers and tells me that none of those things matter. It speaks to me not of achievement but character. It whispers to me that I am a bad father, a bad husband, a bad partner, a bad friend. Self-centered. Needy. Cruel, foul-mouthed, emotionally violent. But I feel as I feel, I say. No, it replies, you are an emotional monster. Oh, you may be a performing monkey when it comes to intellectual achievements but when it comes to human relationships you are worse than worthless. You are bad. Toxic.
And it is me. It is the translation in Daniel- Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin- you have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Not guilty of any particular sin, no special peccadillo or weakness. No. You, you personally, are bad. And I have feared, all my life, some terrible retribution. For my self-indulgence. For my weakness. For my badness. As in Isaiah- thy sons, that thou shalt beget, they shall be taken away and be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon. Howl ye, howl ye therefore, for the day of the Lord is at hand. I fear that, as a result of my horrible, public self-indulgence in shopping for 1000.00 sinks that my life, my family, my work, will be destroyed.
And so I too sink. In despair. In self-loathing. In shame, all of which no one can see. Like a ship, I am sinking into waters of shame that drown my joy. Like a heat sink that can not absorb the endless waves of shame and failure. Like the Pet Shop Boys- everything I've ever done, everything I'll ever do, everywhere I've ever went, everywhere I'm going to, it's a sin.
My favorite aspect of the gospels is that Jesus forgives ordinary, flawed people. Not righteous people. Failures like me. And in that I have always held some hope that I might be forgiven and accepted. I have always understood the formulation of the Episcopal communion (prior to 1984)- confession, humble access, and miraculous acceptance. Like Lowry- for Jesus Christ's sake Yvonne, come back to me, if only for one day. For a moment, for a day, I am forgiven. And accepted.
I do earnestly pray that I may be forgiven my vanity, my greed and my pride in buying a 1000.00 sink.
Ted
For someone who is intellectually miles away from Christian fundamentalism, you demonstrate an amazing kindred with the fundamentalist heart, the sense of shame and unworthiness.
ReplyDeleteAt the very least, The Roman Catholic priests who listen to confession would tell you that paying $1,000 for a sink is certainly not a mortal sin.
My vote? Tell the voice to get lost; buy the beautiful sink.
You are making an investment in something you'll see every day (i.e., it won't be gone in a moment, like paying $1,000 for a Chicago Bulls ticket to see only a single home game in the 1990s) and you won't be the only person who enjoys or uses it.
You can buy a cheap sink and every time you look at it you'll think about the sink you really wanted to buy...
...or you can buy the beautiful sink and enjoy it...
...AND support the craftsmen and businessman who are trying to make a living by selling such goods (which is a good move for the economy).
"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work - this is a gift of God."
Ecclesiastes 6:19
-D-