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Graduation


Today my daughter graduated from college. I have a great many feelings about this. One of them is not happy, although I am, I suppose, happy in the sense of content. This requires some explanation.

I always expected my children to go to college. I have not imagined life for myself or my children without college level skills. and not a two year program, not an associates' degree. I am an intellectual snob. I not only expected them to go to college, I expected them to do well. Kelly has done this. She graduated summa cum laude with a GPA of 3.91, Honors College, Honors Society, Phi Kappa Psi, Phi Beta Kappa. There was no other honor to get. Thus part of my feeling is satisfaction. She did what I expected and hoped she would do.

Another part is pride in her. I am enormously proud. Even though I expected her to do well, she ahs exceeded my expectations. She has worked hard and carefully while not sacrificing a personal life. In this she has exceeded me. Not only is her GPA better but she is a happier, more social and better balanced person than I was.

I am also proud in myself. I did what I wanted to do. I provided for my family and graduated my first child from college. I have passed on an expectation of intellectual achievement.

I am surprised and confused. I never expected to see this. With each passing month and then year since transplant I have been more hopeful that I would see this, but I take little for granted. I did experience a college graduation. I am gratified but also have no idea of what to do. This is true in several ways.

First, only my girlfriend came to my college graduation. I have no parental model of how to act at a graduation, and I have no way to express pride except to say so. Second, the trappings of celebration seem overly exuberant and pointless to me. Such a celebration is justified only if the child was not expected to graduate. The idiotic shouting, blowing of air horns and jumping around are the acts of people for whom college graduation is a surprise, not for whom it is expected.

Third, I learned today that the most important part of the ceremony is to simply be there. The ceremony means nothing to me but everything to the graduate. For the graduate the whole ceremony is for her, while for me the only relevant part is seeing her honored and recognized. There is a cruel irony that at the moment she walked across the stage to receive her diploma I was in the infirmary attending to my son who became ill. As a result my daughter did not get the emotional satisfaction of having her father witness part of her transformation. I saw her honored for her academics, saw her move her tassel, but did not see her walk across the stage.

I am disoriented. My family is changing faster than I can accommodate emotionally. Now my daughter is an adult, fully. She is capable of earning a living. She is working. She has an apartment. that I have paid for her education and subsidize her living is not important; that is my parental responsibility. The odd part is that Christmas is no longer two adults and two children. Now it is four adults. If I live 10 years my daughter will then be 32 years old. I fully expect by then that she will have finished graduate school, be married, and have children. her graduation is only the first step into a rapidly changing adult world.

I am a little sad. In a box is the doll that sang my daughter to sleep every night. I still know the tune, although I never hum it aloud. It chokes me up every time I think of it. Now that little child is an adult. And I remember everything. The toys, the wide-eyed Christmases, the school days, the screaming over homework. Everything. The toys are long given away, the books gone, the stuffed toys boxed, but the images live on eternally in my memory. She is at once an accomplished adult and forever my little lamb.

And so I can not say I am happy. I am not jumping up and down, laughing with joy, etc. And I am confused and a bit sad. But this is what I came here for. This is why I remained alive. I have done what I set out to do. I am content. And I am very, very proud.

A small essay for my daughter, with great love, appreciation and pride, from her father.

Ted

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 16, 2013 at 10:12 AM

    How odd that your daughter graduated in December. But graduate she did, and with honors. And it IS a big deal.

    Congrats!

    -D-

    ReplyDelete

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