I ruminate and read on many topics throughout the week. Out of this comes a blog post. You are now free to make the obvious conclusions about the blog post, since it starts from rumination. Self deprecation (or defecation) aside, I read this remarkable article on.....pacifiers. Here is the link-
pacifier article
There are many things I read that make me wonder about society and the media, but an article on pacifiers is a lifetime achievement in banality.
The article refers to 'experts'. I didn't know there were 'experts' in pacifiers. I tend to call such people parents, but this article appears to have sought out real experts. Dr. Natasha Burgert is a board certified pediatrician in Kansas City! Wow! Who knew that pacifier expertise resided in Kansas City? It must be the mecca of the pacifier industry.
I'll be they have a convention. Let's call it paci-con. Calling it a suck fest sounds simply awful, and even worse if we consider the object is a fake nipple.
And exactly how is a pacifier designed? The article says there are a dozen different models. Sorry to say, they all look and feel essentially the same to me. Little rubber things projecting out from a handle. The article does admit that the choice comes down to what you and your baby like best. Exactly how is that determined? Are there tester pacifiers in stores? Do the parents suck on them too? I can imagine the equivalent of a tasting room at Babies 'r' Us. A sucking room, with parents and babies alike trying out the different types. 'Tell me Junior, is this one good?' 'Honey, I think this one is closest to the real thing.' 'Here, let me let down a bra flap and compare the structure.' I never paid the slightest attention to the 'model' of pacifier our children used. My response to pacifier design is much like my wife's to airplanes. 'What type of plane did you fly honey?' 'A white one.....'
Apparently there are bottle 'systems', each of which comes with a matched pacifier. You have to be shitting me! Really? A matched pacifier? Why not put your favorite on a baby shower list? 'Really choosy mothers are now using the Lenox fine quality bottle and pacifier system'. Given the apparent care taken with these items should there not be extensive ad campaigns to promote the relative advantages and disadvantages of each botlle-pacifier system?
The article tells me that pacifiers promote health. Oh, how reassuring. The alternative is that babies might put their fingers in their mouths, injuring their nails and skin and causing infections. This is according to our KC paci expert, Dr. Burgert. Babies will suck on anything they can stick in their mouths, and we are supposed to put the scientifically designed 'system' in their mouth to prevent injury? I can only imagine how often you must wash your hands. Babies eat dirt, smear shit on walls, suck their own toes and eat cheerios that have fallen on the floor, and we are supposed to worry about nail damage from sucking? Oh please, the nails, the nails....
From those of us who really are pacifier experts (ie, parents), I can tell you that with the first baby, the paci falls on the floor and is washed. With the second, you suck the thing clean and stick it back in the baby's mouth. I don't even want to think about what happens for the third or fourth baby......
Apparently we are supposed to inspect the pacifier weekly for holes and damage, just in case the baby might ingest some pacifier material. News flash- if you care whether your baby ingests a substance might you not have them sucking on it? I suspect a pacifier can be eaten whole without injury. There is a burgeoning new industry in pacifier maintenance and repair for those attached to their pacifier-bottle 'systems'.
I can't believe this. It must have been a staggeringly slow news day to publish this article, a child of the 24 hour news cycle and the need to fill space. What's next- 'scientifcally choose your toilet?' Can you imagine being the reporter being given this assignment? How low must you be on the pecking order for stories, to be doing a report on pacifiers? Exactly how was an 'expert' found? Bet a buck the reporter lives in KC, and some pediatrician, hoping for increased market share in a competitive, low-reimbursement business, felt she would get an edge on others by being touted as a pacifier expert.
To provide story balance, we are warned of the problems of pacifiers. These include jaw and tooth mal-occlusions. I thought they were good for jaws. Oh well, whatever. Also, according to experts, a child should not be using a pacifier by age two. Oh God, the shame! My children used pacis until some ungodly age, once again confirming that I am behind on the parenting skills curve. I need remedial parenting! I'm bad. I've damaged the future of our nation by using the wrong pacifier!
Among the other insanities of this piece is the attempt to tell parents what to do with a pacifier. Really? I think the directions consist of 'stick in baby's mouth'. More instructions on the obvious are not helpful to parents, who are generally anxious as it is.
Apparently pacifiers reduce the risk of SIDS. They soothe you and help you fall asleep. They strengthen jaw and tongue muscles. Demosthenes must have had one. Churchill too. Look at the orators they became. If they help you fall asleep I think my wife would be in line to buy one. Actually, my wife had a friend named Sylvia who went to clubs with a penis shaped pacifier around her neck. No kidding. There's one good way to ensure sound sleep and satisfaction....
I can't wait to see what other unfound nuggets of wisdom are presented in our media. I now know the 'right way' to pick and use a pacifier. And I'm going on a mission to save my children from the errors their parents made. I'm going to tell them how to use a pacifier right.
I'm going to visit them while I'm sucking on one myself. Perhaps it will take away my disgust with society for even publishing articles like this.
Ted
pacifier article
There are many things I read that make me wonder about society and the media, but an article on pacifiers is a lifetime achievement in banality.
The article refers to 'experts'. I didn't know there were 'experts' in pacifiers. I tend to call such people parents, but this article appears to have sought out real experts. Dr. Natasha Burgert is a board certified pediatrician in Kansas City! Wow! Who knew that pacifier expertise resided in Kansas City? It must be the mecca of the pacifier industry.
I'll be they have a convention. Let's call it paci-con. Calling it a suck fest sounds simply awful, and even worse if we consider the object is a fake nipple.
And exactly how is a pacifier designed? The article says there are a dozen different models. Sorry to say, they all look and feel essentially the same to me. Little rubber things projecting out from a handle. The article does admit that the choice comes down to what you and your baby like best. Exactly how is that determined? Are there tester pacifiers in stores? Do the parents suck on them too? I can imagine the equivalent of a tasting room at Babies 'r' Us. A sucking room, with parents and babies alike trying out the different types. 'Tell me Junior, is this one good?' 'Honey, I think this one is closest to the real thing.' 'Here, let me let down a bra flap and compare the structure.' I never paid the slightest attention to the 'model' of pacifier our children used. My response to pacifier design is much like my wife's to airplanes. 'What type of plane did you fly honey?' 'A white one.....'
Apparently there are bottle 'systems', each of which comes with a matched pacifier. You have to be shitting me! Really? A matched pacifier? Why not put your favorite on a baby shower list? 'Really choosy mothers are now using the Lenox fine quality bottle and pacifier system'. Given the apparent care taken with these items should there not be extensive ad campaigns to promote the relative advantages and disadvantages of each botlle-pacifier system?
The article tells me that pacifiers promote health. Oh, how reassuring. The alternative is that babies might put their fingers in their mouths, injuring their nails and skin and causing infections. This is according to our KC paci expert, Dr. Burgert. Babies will suck on anything they can stick in their mouths, and we are supposed to put the scientifically designed 'system' in their mouth to prevent injury? I can only imagine how often you must wash your hands. Babies eat dirt, smear shit on walls, suck their own toes and eat cheerios that have fallen on the floor, and we are supposed to worry about nail damage from sucking? Oh please, the nails, the nails....
From those of us who really are pacifier experts (ie, parents), I can tell you that with the first baby, the paci falls on the floor and is washed. With the second, you suck the thing clean and stick it back in the baby's mouth. I don't even want to think about what happens for the third or fourth baby......
Apparently we are supposed to inspect the pacifier weekly for holes and damage, just in case the baby might ingest some pacifier material. News flash- if you care whether your baby ingests a substance might you not have them sucking on it? I suspect a pacifier can be eaten whole without injury. There is a burgeoning new industry in pacifier maintenance and repair for those attached to their pacifier-bottle 'systems'.
I can't believe this. It must have been a staggeringly slow news day to publish this article, a child of the 24 hour news cycle and the need to fill space. What's next- 'scientifcally choose your toilet?' Can you imagine being the reporter being given this assignment? How low must you be on the pecking order for stories, to be doing a report on pacifiers? Exactly how was an 'expert' found? Bet a buck the reporter lives in KC, and some pediatrician, hoping for increased market share in a competitive, low-reimbursement business, felt she would get an edge on others by being touted as a pacifier expert.
To provide story balance, we are warned of the problems of pacifiers. These include jaw and tooth mal-occlusions. I thought they were good for jaws. Oh well, whatever. Also, according to experts, a child should not be using a pacifier by age two. Oh God, the shame! My children used pacis until some ungodly age, once again confirming that I am behind on the parenting skills curve. I need remedial parenting! I'm bad. I've damaged the future of our nation by using the wrong pacifier!
Among the other insanities of this piece is the attempt to tell parents what to do with a pacifier. Really? I think the directions consist of 'stick in baby's mouth'. More instructions on the obvious are not helpful to parents, who are generally anxious as it is.
Apparently pacifiers reduce the risk of SIDS. They soothe you and help you fall asleep. They strengthen jaw and tongue muscles. Demosthenes must have had one. Churchill too. Look at the orators they became. If they help you fall asleep I think my wife would be in line to buy one. Actually, my wife had a friend named Sylvia who went to clubs with a penis shaped pacifier around her neck. No kidding. There's one good way to ensure sound sleep and satisfaction....
I can't wait to see what other unfound nuggets of wisdom are presented in our media. I now know the 'right way' to pick and use a pacifier. And I'm going on a mission to save my children from the errors their parents made. I'm going to tell them how to use a pacifier right.
I'm going to visit them while I'm sucking on one myself. Perhaps it will take away my disgust with society for even publishing articles like this.
Ted
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