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Giving Back the Gift

When I applied for my current position at the University of Tennessee I was asked for a personal statement about why I wanted the position. I began it by paraphrasing both the US Constitution and the Episcopal Prayer Book, writing 'It is right and appropriate that any person be asked about their goals'. In the same vein, it is right and appropriate to ask 'why am I alive'? That question typically goes unasked, and when it is asked it is typically answered by a variety of cliches about individual worth, to society or family, or goals yet to be achieved.

Transplant puts the issue of a reason to be alive in a very different focus. Transplant patients are alive by choice, and by medical intervention. As Aragorn says when he lies down to die, 'To me has been given not only a span thrice that of Men, but also the grace to go at my will, and give back the gift. Now, therefore, I will sleep.' I am alive only by artificial means, by surgery and medication. I received a gift, and it is a right and proper question to ask 'should I give it back?' Why am I here?

I will enter the hospital tomorrow for ten days of treatment for antibody mediated rejection. The outcome is entirely unclear; there is very little data, of mixed quality and mixed results. Overall outcomes are not very good. My lifespan is more likely to be in single than in double digits. I will get IVs, not singular but plural, many blood draws, another surgery (#27) for placement of a port, then a dose of anti-lymphocytic chemotherapy. On the threshold of these things, I do ask why I am doing it.

It is not out of fear. I am not at all afraid of death, only of a painful, ugly and protracted death.

It is not for life's routines. We all spend extraordinary amounts of time sleeping, bathing, eating, etc.

It is not for my work. I enjoy what I am doing, but I have never been in a less pleasant work environment. I have been attacked by fellow physicians, called names, accused of impropriety, of falsification, condemned by those whom I teach. I have endured all these things, and been found not culpable in every instance. It has reached the point where the only thing I have not been accused of, literally, is rape and murder. I am not staying alive for the pleasure of working in such conditions, I assure you.

I am not very good about relationships. My interests, preferences and needs are shared by very few. My family puts up with me as much as they ever enjoy my company or my counsel. My real feelings and values are subsumed by the role I play, the 'father/husband/worker role'.

I do not, broadly speaking, enjoy the company of groups of people. Increasingly, as I get older, I prefer to see movies at home, dine and travel in very exclusive conditions, and avoid lines, crowds and large events.

All in all, I am disappointed by society. I have no participation at all in popular 'culture'. I do not watch TV, listen to radio stations or read any popular magazines. I have great contempt for pop music, for rap, for reality TV and for fast food. I isolate myself as much as I can from the nonsense that surrounds me.

Reading all this, a person would naturally ask 'why DO you want to be alive?'

I want to get past this treatment and travel. I want to express my interests openly, even if it means people don't like me very much. They don't like me very much now; what's the loss? I want to work on more music, on more models. I want to see what happens to my children.

Transplant is a gift that can be given back. As has been said elsewhere, I have an off switch. I can stop my meds and be gone from this world. For years I have said, when getting my monthly bloodwork, that one day I will not get my bloodwork. One day I will not take my meds. One day.

But that day is not today. I'm willing to struggle a little longer. I'm willing to get this miserable, painful, prolonged treatment. I don't think I'm willing to do any more, however. After this, I want to live to do what I want to do, not what everyone expects me to do. So that's why I want to live.

See you on the other side of plasmapheresis. Who knows? Maybe it will give me a personality transplant.....

Ted

Comments

  1. WilemanJanuary 1, 2017 at 7:01 PM

    I'm glad you are seeking to prolong your life. You have more to give as a unique voice, both figuratively and literally, in the world. I would miss you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. TommyStandridgeJanuary 13, 2017 at 2:58 AM

    Another encouraging article Mr Doc Ted... The wonderful friend and a great music Drummer that I know. You are a gift to so many wonderful people that you have helped being a surgeon and as you have told many times giving is easy but taking is ruff at times. I know you will be OK because your already accomplished more than most people ever will. I'm Glad you're who you are a great careing person and frend...
    Thank you.
    Tommy Standridge
    Vinylmania Band.

    ReplyDelete

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