Several years ago I produced a set of questions that will allow anyone to determine their or another person's religious views. This post is similar. It is my 'rules of love', the things to do, and not to do, in order that love may flourish. John Niven, in his novel Straight White Male, refers to offenses against love. Over the years I know I have violated several of these rules, committing several such offenses. Thankfully, I am the beneficiary of kindness and forbearance not to have suffered more for my many failures.
The rules-
There must be some basis for relationship other than sex
Sex always slows. Ardor always cools. There must be communication and shared values in at least one of these areas, and preferably more than one- humor, religion, politics, literature, the arts, profession, socio-economic background and goals.
Compliment your partner every day. Every, single day
Your partner must know, always that he/she is the center of your world, the axis about which your soul and emotions revolve. Of course work, child-raising, bills, house, sickness, etc, etc all get in the way. Of course they do. We all are weighed down with burdens, fears, pain, loss, sadness. Every day a loved one needs to hear that in at least one place they are the very center of the earth. You have to tell them. Every day.
Never, ever, ever ever ever compare your love to another person
I have seen and experienced this violated endlessly. Broadly speaking, it takes three forms- comparison to past lovers, to celebrities, and to friends' lovers. It is always deeply toxic and corrosive. Everyone, no matter how attractive, smart, or talented, is insecure. Every woman I have ever known (I'm an OBG, so I've known thousands) is insecure about her appearance. Often the more attractive she is, the more insecure as well. Every man doubts himself, must present himself as a single combat warrior with the world.
Never talk about a past lover's sexual techniques, his or her kiss, their body parts, the size and shape of their genitalia or breasts, even to make favorable comparisons. Whoever you are with is the only person on earth at that moment, even if you have more than one love, especially if you have more than one. They must be treated as if you have discovered Heaven for the first time.
Don't talk about how much nicer/better/smarter/prettier someone's husband or wife is. We can all see for ourselves, and no one will judge more harshly than we judge ourselves, if we are honest. Admiring celebrities is normal, but only to a point. Talking about how you'd love to have so-and-so in your bed is the ticket to being lonely.
Don't share more of your past relationships than is necessary for your lover to understand you
This is a social extension of the above rule. Don't go on and on about the habits of your ex-wife or previous lover. Don't talk about personal details such as their clothing or cologne.
Keep your mementos few and totally private
Do not flash the jewelry, ties, pictures etc that someone else gave you. That life is over. A new one is beginning. Live that, not the past. If the past was so good, why is it past?
Bring your love gifts
Some want acts of service, others physical touch. I have never seen anyone, however, who did not like getting a card or a small piece of jewelry when their lover comes home, especially from a trip alone. They will always wonder if you really were alone, worry they will be abandoned, especially if they love you deeply. Show your devotion with a gift.
For God's sake, if you're a man, buy flowers. Pick flowers. Bring her something in the name of Beauty, her beauty as seen by you.
Set aside time for your love
Life cannot get so busy that you sacrifice personal time. Put your children to bed. Come home for dinner. Don't go out with the boys or the girls. Put your love ahead of your hobbies.
When you disagree, do it kindly
If your love has three shades of lipstick and you like one best, don't blurt out something negative about the other two. Encourage the one you like. If your love has no color or pattern sense, help him pick ties, shirts, and pants. Go shopping with or for him. Shape people slowly, by praise, not quickly by condemnation. If there is an acute need for intervention, make it about the other person's benefit, not about your satisfaction.
Special situation- never call attention to or criticize a lover for failure to achieve an erection, to lubricate, or to reach orgasm. It is terminally damaging. Over the years I have listened to women crushed by the criticism of their husbands, men devastated by stinging criticism of their masculinity, when in fact everyone experiences sexual 'failure' when stressed, tired or conflicted.
Never, ever, ever ever ever call your love names
No matter how fierce the fight, don't do as our politicians do, and make it a personal attack. "You're a bitch" or "you disgust me" are indelible marks. Only in the movies do you get a do-over of irrevocable acts. In real life, words can't be taken back.
Sitting here this evening, alone in a hotel room, I suppose I'm more aware than usual of what I crave, what I think everyone craves. One of my favorite passages in The Godfather concerns Luca Brasi, the family executioner, a blunt, angry, emotionally flat man with a reputation so bad no one will talk about what he did. When he comes to give the Don a wedding gift for his daughter, "with every word, every gesture, the Don made Luca Brasi feel valued."
VALUED. That is what every one of these comes down to. Show and tell your love every day how they are valued. The past is dead. There is only one person in the whole world, your love. LOVE them. It's a transitive verb.....
There must be some basis for relationship other than sex
Compliment your partner every day. Every, single day
Never, ever compare your love to another person
Never talk about a past lover's sexual techniques
Don't talk about how much nicer/better/smarter/prettier someone's husband or wife is.
Don't share more of your past relationships than is necessary for your lover to understand you
Keep your mementos few and totally private
Bring your love gifts
Set aside time for your love
When you disagree, do it kindly
Never, ever, call your love names
Ted
The rules-
There must be some basis for relationship other than sex
Sex always slows. Ardor always cools. There must be communication and shared values in at least one of these areas, and preferably more than one- humor, religion, politics, literature, the arts, profession, socio-economic background and goals.
Compliment your partner every day. Every, single day
Your partner must know, always that he/she is the center of your world, the axis about which your soul and emotions revolve. Of course work, child-raising, bills, house, sickness, etc, etc all get in the way. Of course they do. We all are weighed down with burdens, fears, pain, loss, sadness. Every day a loved one needs to hear that in at least one place they are the very center of the earth. You have to tell them. Every day.
Never, ever, ever ever ever compare your love to another person
I have seen and experienced this violated endlessly. Broadly speaking, it takes three forms- comparison to past lovers, to celebrities, and to friends' lovers. It is always deeply toxic and corrosive. Everyone, no matter how attractive, smart, or talented, is insecure. Every woman I have ever known (I'm an OBG, so I've known thousands) is insecure about her appearance. Often the more attractive she is, the more insecure as well. Every man doubts himself, must present himself as a single combat warrior with the world.
Never talk about a past lover's sexual techniques, his or her kiss, their body parts, the size and shape of their genitalia or breasts, even to make favorable comparisons. Whoever you are with is the only person on earth at that moment, even if you have more than one love, especially if you have more than one. They must be treated as if you have discovered Heaven for the first time.
Don't talk about how much nicer/better/smarter/prettier someone's husband or wife is. We can all see for ourselves, and no one will judge more harshly than we judge ourselves, if we are honest. Admiring celebrities is normal, but only to a point. Talking about how you'd love to have so-and-so in your bed is the ticket to being lonely.
Don't share more of your past relationships than is necessary for your lover to understand you
This is a social extension of the above rule. Don't go on and on about the habits of your ex-wife or previous lover. Don't talk about personal details such as their clothing or cologne.
Keep your mementos few and totally private
Do not flash the jewelry, ties, pictures etc that someone else gave you. That life is over. A new one is beginning. Live that, not the past. If the past was so good, why is it past?
Bring your love gifts
Some want acts of service, others physical touch. I have never seen anyone, however, who did not like getting a card or a small piece of jewelry when their lover comes home, especially from a trip alone. They will always wonder if you really were alone, worry they will be abandoned, especially if they love you deeply. Show your devotion with a gift.
For God's sake, if you're a man, buy flowers. Pick flowers. Bring her something in the name of Beauty, her beauty as seen by you.
Set aside time for your love
Life cannot get so busy that you sacrifice personal time. Put your children to bed. Come home for dinner. Don't go out with the boys or the girls. Put your love ahead of your hobbies.
When you disagree, do it kindly
If your love has three shades of lipstick and you like one best, don't blurt out something negative about the other two. Encourage the one you like. If your love has no color or pattern sense, help him pick ties, shirts, and pants. Go shopping with or for him. Shape people slowly, by praise, not quickly by condemnation. If there is an acute need for intervention, make it about the other person's benefit, not about your satisfaction.
Special situation- never call attention to or criticize a lover for failure to achieve an erection, to lubricate, or to reach orgasm. It is terminally damaging. Over the years I have listened to women crushed by the criticism of their husbands, men devastated by stinging criticism of their masculinity, when in fact everyone experiences sexual 'failure' when stressed, tired or conflicted.
Never, ever, ever ever ever call your love names
No matter how fierce the fight, don't do as our politicians do, and make it a personal attack. "You're a bitch" or "you disgust me" are indelible marks. Only in the movies do you get a do-over of irrevocable acts. In real life, words can't be taken back.
Sitting here this evening, alone in a hotel room, I suppose I'm more aware than usual of what I crave, what I think everyone craves. One of my favorite passages in The Godfather concerns Luca Brasi, the family executioner, a blunt, angry, emotionally flat man with a reputation so bad no one will talk about what he did. When he comes to give the Don a wedding gift for his daughter, "with every word, every gesture, the Don made Luca Brasi feel valued."
VALUED. That is what every one of these comes down to. Show and tell your love every day how they are valued. The past is dead. There is only one person in the whole world, your love. LOVE them. It's a transitive verb.....
There must be some basis for relationship other than sex
Compliment your partner every day. Every, single day
Never, ever compare your love to another person
Never talk about a past lover's sexual techniques
Don't talk about how much nicer/better/smarter/prettier someone's husband or wife is.
Don't share more of your past relationships than is necessary for your lover to understand you
Keep your mementos few and totally private
Bring your love gifts
Set aside time for your love
When you disagree, do it kindly
Never, ever, call your love names
Ted
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