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Pre-Existing Conditions

In the midst of an election campaign that has been going on for years, I want to take a break to talk about an issue we all have to deal with- pre-existing conditions. This has become very personal of late, to the point of utter inanity.

I had a kidney transplant nearly 3 years ago. When I signed up for Cigna with the State of Tennessee I was pleased- a reasonable cost, low deductible, good copay structure. I disclosed, as entirely necessary and appropriate, my kidney transplant and my history of atrial fibrillation, all my surgeries and my medications.

Since that day I have received nothing except denials of service for all my transplant care. Cigna keeps asking for a letter of creditable coverage and a list of doctors I have seen for the last 5 years. I have provided both. The letters keep coming. As far as I can tell, Cigna is in the business of denying care, something I have told patients for years about insurers, but I am getting quite a personal lesson right now.

Now, I disclosed my history of a transplant. There is no secret about this. What does Cigna imagine I am doing? I know! I must be addicted to highly toxic, expensive immunosuppressive medications. No, no, I am cleverly concealing a really serious medical condition by merely claiming to be a transplant patient. No, that's not it. I am a sado-masochist, and I derive so much pleasure from having 6 vials of blood drawn EVERY MONTH that I lied about having a transplant. I'm really a healthy man who has two functioning kidneys who just wants to screw Cigna out of money for tests. I made it up, and am in cahoots with the lab and the pharmacy. I get these expensive meds and then sell them on Ebay because there is a huge black market in immunosuppressives.

Listen, shit for brains- who would claim to have a transplant who did not? And pay the claims. Stop the stalling.

But wait, it gets more absurd!

My wife had a mammogram and ultrasound, a routine, yearly exam that all women are supposed to have. Ready....wait for it.....YES! They are pending the claim saying there is a duplicate claim and that there may be a pre-existing condition!

Yes, that's right. My wife DOES have a pre-existing condition. She has breasts. They first occurred in any meaningful way in 1973, and have been continuously present ever since. Their functionality has been confirmed twice in breastfeeding children. By simple social inspection they have enlarged in the last twenty years, but mammograms are all normal. I attest she has never had breast surgery, reduction, mastopexy or augmentation. I further attest by direct, personal visual and tactile examination that they are natural.

Now what the HELL else do you want to know? Are all the women employed at Cigna breastless? Are the 'men' at Cigna unacquainted with the fact that all women have breasts? Or are you trying to assert that my wife has her breasts smashed between metal plates once a year for no apparent reason?

I'll tell you what I want to do. I want to take the scrotums of every damnable, idiotic, claim denying bureaucrat at Cigna and smash THEM between metal plates. Except it wouldn't matter. All the men at Cigna have no balls and no brains anyway. Or else they would not continue to bombard me with idiot paper. And all kidding aside, Cigna should be ashamed of claiming to provide health coverage while denying almost everything sent to them.

I don't support Obama. I don't support Obamacare. But I have always understood the provisions about pre-existing conditions and portability of health insurance. In a truly free market, 'service' like that given by Cigna would ensure their loss of customers. And the way they are going, they just might lose me and my family.

But I still dream about those metal plates......

Ted

Comments

  1. Kelly TsaltasOctober 21, 2012 at 4:20 PM

    hahaha funny yet excellent.
    That really sucks...I thought the whole reason we were leaving Knoxvegas was to get better insurance...do we have other options that are better? Have you called them? Better yet, EMAIL them! haha, my personal favorite form of communication :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Elizabeth NelsonOctober 22, 2012 at 10:26 AM

    I too laughed at this blog. Your use,excellent use, of humor in your frustration had me laughing. Humor is what gets me through tough times. Hope things get better for you.

    ReplyDelete

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