I have lived in the South now for 22 years, the substantial majority of my adult life. I like it here. I am a happily southernized man I like to say. Among other things being in the South has allowed me to be more expressive about religious issues. Talking about religion in the North means you are a kook, or likely intolerant. Practicing a religion, going to church or observing religious holidays, makes you very dangerous and weird. In the South that just makes you normal.
There is a downside to this, however. The South expects a different kind of conformity. You are expected to be a Christian, and in particular ways. The more educated parts of society of course don't openly ask the questions I am about to describe, but there is still the unmistakeable underlying assumption. Like the North, there are assumptions about religion and its 'correct' practice and expression.
And so I have been asked many, many times 'Are you saved?', or 'Do you have a personal relationship with Christ?'. Sometimes it is more 'Is Christ a living presence in your life?' And with these questions come assumptions about values- no drinking, no smoking, no abortion, no pre-marital sex, no extra-marital sex. And of course it is not enough to practice these values for one's self. They must be imposed upon the rest of the world, 'until Christ reigns in all the world', or 'for the glory and pleasure of him who died to save you and me'. The pronoun 'us' is insufficiently personal. 'You and me' makes plain the obligation not just of the me talking, but as importantly of the you listening, in these cases of course, me.
I have always had a problem with this. Like many social interactions I have been bad at this one. At first I tried to engage these individuals in discussion. I quickly realized they were not interested in discussion or a serious examination of the nature of Jesus or God. They just wanted to know if you believed what they believed, and if you didn't they were going to try and fix you. I have tried going to church, since it is quite permissible in the South to express your religion publicly. Well, it is permissible to express THAT kind of religion. Anything else makes you weird, or more importantly not saved. After being rather openly attacked (and assaulted), I broke my promise to my wife and stopped attending church. I still feel good about my personal decision, and guilty and alone about it as well.
I did not have the benefit, or the limitation, of a formal religious instruction. I had Religious Studies classes at a private Episcopalian school, and I went to chapel every day, but no one asked me to learn a catechism or to become a member of a particular church. Instead, the classes focused on ethics and moral choices. They were in essence philosophy classes using biblical texts and other books as a framework for discussion. And so I never learned that Jesus was supposed to be the Son of God, or that Jesus and God were one substance. I spoke the words, but I had no idea people were really serious about this.
At graduation I received a Bible, and I read it. I was interested in what it said from both a philosophical and a historical viewpoint. And I read the Gospels, which I enjoyed and which touched me deeply. They came across to me as a message that ordinary, filthy, unsanctified people could find God, that the Kingdom of God is everywhere. And that God forgives. God is a God of justice, and righteousness, but also a God of forgiveness and mercy. That gave me a sense of hope, because there was and is no question that I am not a righteous man. If a relationship with God depended on Following the Rules, I would have none.
I did not understand Jesus as God, but rather a divinely inspired man with insight given by God. Little did I know that I was recapitulating one of the major arguments in the early Church, best called I think the Jesus movement, as the term Christian did not exist at that time. Some felt Jesus was a man, some God, some God placed inside of a man, some God and Man co-existing and mingled like chocolate and milk in hot chocolate. Some felt salvation was found by belief in Jesus (notably Paul, who has influenced Christian thought ever since), while others felt salvation was found by emulating Jesus.
I did not know that each of these beliefs had a name- Ebionism, Docetism, Dual-naturism, proto-orthodoxy, Gnosticism. As I came to understand this, I realized that my understandings of Jesus and God would have been thought perfectly normal in 200 AD, even mainstream, depending on where I was. But not now. Now we are all, to one extent or another, Orthodox in our belief. Oh there are large splinter groups like Catholics and Protestants, but fundamentally we are all Orthodox. We all believe that Jesus was of one substance with the Father, that he was completely Man and completely God, mixed together. And what followed was and is that if you do not believe these things then you are not saved, you are not righteous, you are a pagan monster, an apostate, an opponent of the church and therefore an opponent of God, that your beliefs pollute society and deny the Truth.
Wow. I didn't know I was that bad. I am worse in the eyes of the Church than in the eyes of God, at least according to the Bible. At least God forgives. Christians do not.
I appear not to be alone in my rejection of the formal positions of the Church, and also in rejecting the highly judgmental and critical behavior of many believers. There are many who describe themselves as Spiritual but not Christian. Some go to church out of conformity or for social reasons, but seek communion with God privately. Some don't go at all.
Spirituality is the most important part of my life. God is for me a living, communicating presence, a creator and interventional God. I believe powerfully in an existence after death, and I believe Jesus was an inspired man and prophet deeply communicative with God. But I don't believe he was divine. That strikes me as blasphemous. And our enculturated church spends its time worshipping Jesus and insisting that others do the same, not worshipping God and welcoming those who believe in God. I sound like a Unitarian and a Universalist, and I am. But I don't like the mushy service and vague ethical debates of the 'UUs'
And so I wander in the Wilderness, my search for and relationship with God alone and in the dark. I want very badly to find what is so nicely called 'a church home', and to participate in groups that read the Bible together and talk about it. Maybe I will find it in Chattanooga. Now that Kim is joining me we will look together. I will try to be a better member of society, and more importantly, a better husband who honors his promise to go to church with his wife.
Ted
In my case it was I who broke a promise to go to church with my husband. It was after his dad died and he wanted to start taking our children to church. I agreed thinking maybe it would be good for them. It wasn't for them or myself. After realizing what a hypocrite I was for sitting Sunday after Sunday thinking "What a load of crap" I decided I was not going to do it anymore. I disappointed my husband in not continuing to attend. I tried but came to the conclusion that I wanted nothing to do with organized religion. I have my own personal beliefs and am fine with that. My husband still attends church...alone. Am I bad??
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