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Good morning all-

Overdid it yesterday. Terrible night.

I felt pretty well yesterday, and came down to the hospital to visit my office and the labor floor. You were all so nice to me- especially April. I don't know what I've done or said to prompt so touching a reaction April, but you have touched me just as much. It's hard not to feel loved in the presence of so many loving people. 

Bob Tatum came into the office while I was there. Bob, you did not look like you were having a good day. I couldn't tell if you were angry with me, or stressed over your surgery, or stressed over having to deal with the labor floor. Yesterday was your OFF afternoon. I hope it will be so for you. My goal, while you were out, was to take myself to lunch on Wednesdays and Friday. No lingering for charts, phone, triage or booking surgery that will last past 11:30.  The office is good- they will help you. The labor floor is good- they will help you too. There is no difference between the man who can not read and the man who does not  read. There is similarly no difference between the man who is alone and the man who will not delegate responsibility to others. I hope things get better for you.

We went driving to look at Christmas lights- a yearly tradition we all love. We listen to Christmas music and just drive through neighborhoods. We give an informal prize for best decorations every year. We also take the dog, and it is a close and happy family time.

The rest of the evening and the night were terrible. I slept poorly, my mouth tastes like a sewer and I am having a bout with cluster headaches (a type of vascular HA related to migraine). I hope dialysis will make me feel better today. 

While I loved seeing everyone, and going out with my family, it is also oddly stress-inducing. I want to return to the life I had. I don't want a half life, or a life bounded by dietary restrictions, or a sedentary life without bicycles, gyms and trips. The wager riding on this surgery is enormous. Even while I understand from everyone I speak with that the outcome is likely to be good, I am haunted by the thought of 'what if it isn't'. There is a five step ladder to the outcome that I so desperately desire-
-survive surgery
-immediate urine output
-no surgical complications
-no rejection episodes of any kind
-return to full normal active life, without limitations from medications, renal function or surgery

That is the five-fold miracle I desire. It is an hourly act of faith to visualize it and believe. As several people have noted, every step has fallen in place so far in the most striking way. Please God it continues so.

Being with everyone reminds me of what i want. It's easier to accept  this limbo when I pretend I'm an invalid. When I get in my car and run to the hospital to say hello and go looking at lights, the contrast with my current situation and my hopes is greater and more painful. 

Ted  

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