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I am simultaneously eager and afraid of the coming change. Like every other change, it comes through a period of turbulence and suffering. It's hard to realize I am only 2 weeks postop today. If the first week was awful, the second has greatly exceeded my expectations. I drove last night without trouble, and it is now three days since I used any pain meds. My abdomen continues to shrink with resorption of fluid and hematoma, and I suppose collagenous remodeling. The incisions are losing their scabs (I am no better than a dog when it comes to playing with them I'm afraid).

Some of you know I am quite reluctant to discuss spiritual issues in public. I have had my share of public discussion of spiritual issues, uniformly with negative results. These have included being physically assaulted by a church class member, but most typically involve some sort of stiff expression of hope that I will find 'a relationship with Jesus as my personal savior', or something of that sort.

By such measures, I am not only not a good Christian, I'm not sure I'm even a Christian. The dichotomy between the strength of my spiritual beliefs and my dismay with the usual public expressions of Christianity led me to read a great deal about early church history. That of course includes reading a fair amount of the Bible. Many fo you know i am fond of saying that for an apostate monster, I know more of the Bible than many people you will meet.

I have always loved the moments in the Bible when God speaks directly to humans, or acts directly. Some examples include the revelation to Moses, the consumption of Elijah's offering, Elijah's personal contact with God, and much of Isaiah, and the brilliant, shimmering visions of Ezekiel.

I get chills every time I read Moses' interaction with the burning bush. When he asks 'Who are you?' the reply is 'I am the God of your forefathers, of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob'. When Moses asks who shall he say sent him, he is told 'I AM who I AM. Tell them I AM sent you.

God is too big for a name, or a place. I forget which chapter in Isaiah God rejects the rituals and offerings fo his people, saying they have forgotten his commandments and created rites of their own devising.

For me, trying to limit God to a church, or a place, or a particular ritual or even interaction, is ab initio a failure.

The experience of the divine is overwhelming, nameless, all-encompassing and supremely comforting. It transcends the forms and imagery of religion.

And, without elaborating, it has been a central, fundamental part of my experience of surgery and recovery.

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings. All this is to say that, although i am in no way compliant with church attendance or any other aspect of church ethos, I am deeply appreciative of all your spiritual thoughts, prayers and blessings.

Ted  

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