I am all in favor of politeness in society. There is no reason to be brusque, rude, violent, etc. A long-standing problem faces anyone who wants to be polite when confronted by a situation of which the person disapproves or that is manifestly foolish, dangerous, both or worse. How is a person to express their dismay and disapproval politely?
Sometimes this is impossible. Not infrequently, people speak with their feet, simply leaving such a person or situation. Conflict is uncomfortable for many people, which is one of the spurs to manners and politeness in the first place. Genteel behavior helps avoid conflict by filtering emotions through softer, gentler phrasing.
If a person can not, or will not 'speak with the feet' and leave a bad situation, what should or does happen? Only in the movies do people yell openly or otherwise emote, punching, slapping, cursing, etc. In my limited personal experience, people generally become flat in their affect, losing emotional expression while mouthing the appropriate polite phrases. If someone marries a person who is disliked or disreputable, the new spouse is often told in grave tones 'congratulations', or for those who grade their words carefully, 'I wish you every possible happiness' (such a wish is generically appropriate, and in no way expresses approval of the spouse).
In the last 15-25 years, it has become increasingly difficult to express anything except rote phrases of congratulations, approval and support in public. Regardless of the idiocy of the decision or behavior, we are expected not to restrain ourselves, but to express approval. This is to help 'support' and 'encourage' the erring one. This is certainly true in schools, where students who can not read or figure are promoted because to fail them generates suits and outrage, despite the students' lack of credentials. In other arenas, we give baby showers to unwed teen mothers whose pregnancies are the result of a cascade of poor decisions the end product of which is gifts and approval. Employees can not be given a negative reference for fear of a suit. People with personality disorders, drug addictions and other manifest problems are given positive or at worst neutral recommendations. We would rather let someone else deal with a problem than face the threat of a suit.
In personal conversation, anything less than hearty approval is interpreted as disapproval (not unfairly so). In the work place, this then can be construed as a 'hostile work environment', or even sexual harassment, depending on the topic. It is not necessary to prove an act, only to allege discomfort with a work environment to tie up an employer in a suit for years, merely for a lack of approval.
While I am all for politeness, this is not politeness. It is a charade backed by threat of legal assault. One of the great blessings of living in a right-to-work state is that no reason for a firing is needed. It is possible to simply say 'it isn't working out', and give someone their notice. It is terribly sad that instead of polite but honest answers, of self-reflective consideration of behavior, we have a pantomime induced by fear in which the only response can be firing.
Ted
Sometimes this is impossible. Not infrequently, people speak with their feet, simply leaving such a person or situation. Conflict is uncomfortable for many people, which is one of the spurs to manners and politeness in the first place. Genteel behavior helps avoid conflict by filtering emotions through softer, gentler phrasing.
If a person can not, or will not 'speak with the feet' and leave a bad situation, what should or does happen? Only in the movies do people yell openly or otherwise emote, punching, slapping, cursing, etc. In my limited personal experience, people generally become flat in their affect, losing emotional expression while mouthing the appropriate polite phrases. If someone marries a person who is disliked or disreputable, the new spouse is often told in grave tones 'congratulations', or for those who grade their words carefully, 'I wish you every possible happiness' (such a wish is generically appropriate, and in no way expresses approval of the spouse).
In the last 15-25 years, it has become increasingly difficult to express anything except rote phrases of congratulations, approval and support in public. Regardless of the idiocy of the decision or behavior, we are expected not to restrain ourselves, but to express approval. This is to help 'support' and 'encourage' the erring one. This is certainly true in schools, where students who can not read or figure are promoted because to fail them generates suits and outrage, despite the students' lack of credentials. In other arenas, we give baby showers to unwed teen mothers whose pregnancies are the result of a cascade of poor decisions the end product of which is gifts and approval. Employees can not be given a negative reference for fear of a suit. People with personality disorders, drug addictions and other manifest problems are given positive or at worst neutral recommendations. We would rather let someone else deal with a problem than face the threat of a suit.
In personal conversation, anything less than hearty approval is interpreted as disapproval (not unfairly so). In the work place, this then can be construed as a 'hostile work environment', or even sexual harassment, depending on the topic. It is not necessary to prove an act, only to allege discomfort with a work environment to tie up an employer in a suit for years, merely for a lack of approval.
While I am all for politeness, this is not politeness. It is a charade backed by threat of legal assault. One of the great blessings of living in a right-to-work state is that no reason for a firing is needed. It is possible to simply say 'it isn't working out', and give someone their notice. It is terribly sad that instead of polite but honest answers, of self-reflective consideration of behavior, we have a pantomime induced by fear in which the only response can be firing.
Ted
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